


#dontbeavictor

by spookyfoot



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Post-Canon, Victor is a terrible driver, Yuri!!! In Russia, an exercise in speed running, i love my extra son, i will fight for this, team russia loves yuuri, victor nikiforov: human disaster, yuuri is everyone's favorite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 14:57:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11187519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyfoot/pseuds/spookyfoot
Summary: “Katsuki, you recently moved to Russia to train with your coach Victor Nikiforov,” Yuuri’s not sure why reporters need to tell him things that he already knows, but he’d rather not deal with Minako yelling at him over Skype so he just nods, and the reporter—Shana?—continues, “what do you like the most about training at Yubileyny?”“Well the facilities are amazing…” Yuuri switches to autopilot and recites the list of training resources that Victor had galloped through after the Grand Prix Finals—when he mistakenly thought that Yuuri needed any incentive to move to Russia other than Victor himself.He must answer the question well enough because she just nods along to some beat that Yuuri can’t hear. “What’s your least favorite thing about training in Russia?”The answer bursts out of him before he has any time to consider a diplomatic alternative, “Victor’s driving.”(Things escalate from there.)





	#dontbeavictor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doodlesonice](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=doodlesonice).



> this was literally written in an hour as the product of some twitter dms and also i wanted to get back into writing off the cuff since i'm a bit blocked on a scene (again). so here, have some shenanigans.
> 
> also this is the third fic i've written where victor's terrible driving is a plot point. oops. 
> 
> thanks for the idea of the speed run @the_sad_gay <3

There's a reason Yuuri hates interviews. 

“Katsuki, you recently moved to Russia to train with your coach Victor Nikiforov,” Yuuri’s not sure why reporters need to tell him things that he already knows, but he’d rather not deal with Minako yelling at him over Skype so he just nods, and the reporter—Shana?—continues, “what do you like the most about training at Yubileyny?”

“Well the facilities are amazing…” Yuuri switches to autopilot and recites the list of training resources that Victor had galloped through after the Grand Prix Finals—when he mistakenly thought that Yuuri needed any incentive to move to Russia other than Victor himself.

He must answer the question well enough because she just nods along to some beat that Yuuri can’t hear. “What’s your least favorite thing about training in Russia?”

The answer bursts out of him before he has any time to consider a diplomatic alternative, “Victor’s driving.”

(Things escalate from there.)

________________

Victor pouts all the way home from Four Continents, “are you sure you want to get in the car with me tomorrow?” Victor asks in the hired car on the drive back from the airport.

He’s sulking but still has no problem kissing Yuuri’s gold medal, before slipping it into his pocket.

“I’ll be safe until then,” Yuuri said, head resting against Victor’s shoulder still half asleep. The driver snorts from front seat. Victor pretends not to hear him. “Besides, you have a dashcam now.”

Victor’s still pouting when they get back to the apartment. Makkachin’s still at Mila’s so Yuuri uses the empty apartment to show Victor just how much he likes being in Russia.

________________

  
Team Russia applauds his entrance at the rink the next day. Yurio shoves a bag of piroshki into his arms at the start of practice.

“Finally someone’s informed the world of Victor’s vehicular tyranny,” Georgi sniffs, wiping an actual tear from the corner of his eye.

________________

Yuuri thinks that’s end of it, until the Main Directorate for Road Traffic Safety contacts him, and asks if he’d do a PSA for road safety.

He tells them he needs to think about it.

Then he asks Phichit.

(This is his second mistake.)

“You have to do it Yuuri! It’ll be great for you media presence, and also it’s hilarious," Phichit says over Skype. 

“I agree with the first part of that statement,” Victor chimes in. They’re sitting on the couch and he’s octopussed around Yuuri’s back.

“See even Victor thinks it’s a good idea.”

Victor and Phichit are scarily adept at convincing Yuuri to participate in otherwise objectionable situations on their own. Together, it’s nuclear persuasion.

________________

The debuts on a Tuesday. All of Team Russia gathers around the sixty inch flat screen in the lounge with nutritionist approved air-popped popcorn, and glasses of flavored water.

(The first five times they watch it, the audio is entirely drowned out by catcalls. When Yuuri’s finally able to hear his own voice echoing through the speakers, he actually misses the cheers and innuendo.)

“You look beautiful,” Victor whispers in his ear—pointedly ignoring the ad’s actual message.

(That has to be the end of it, Yuuri thinks, as he inadvertently issues an open challenge to the universe.)

________________

Victor runs over three mailboxes that week alone. Yuuri’s absolutely positive he actually saw a _tree_ jump out of the way of Victor’s pink Cadillac as they sped by.

________________

Three weeks later, as training is ramping up for Worlds, Georgi, Mila, and Yurio pull all of the skaters at Yubileyny into the lounge.

“We have a treat for all of you,” Mila says, staring right at Victor.

(Oh no.)

“Yes, we’re all following Yuuri’s example and performing a public service.”

(Oh no oh no oh no.)

(Yuuri buries his face in his hands)

The room is utterly silent as the video starts to play.

“Can you tell us the first time you were victimized by Victor Nikiforov’s driving,” a voice that sounds suspiciously like Yakov asks.

“I was only eleven,” Mila-on-screen wipes under her eyes, which are definitely dry, “Vitya agreed to take me back to the dorms after practice. He ran three red lights, hopped four curbs, and got a flat tire going less than five kilometers. I kissed the ground when I got out of the car and was still alive.”

Yuuri peers out from between his fingers. All of Team Russia is absolutely _riveted_ —aside from Victor who is texting furiously on his phone. Yuuri can just make out the words, “difference between slander and libel,” on the screen before video-Georgi’s voice fills the room.

“Vitya is _one_ day older than me. But he still offered to teach me how to drive. An hour circling around an empty grocery store parking lot with him at the wheel was all it took to convince me how important road safety is. I still have the scars. Would you like to see—“ Georgi-on-screen starts to pull up his shirt before the video abruptly cuts to Yurio.

“Really Georgi?” Victor asks.

“I was only telling the truth!” Georgi says, complete with hand gestures that wouldn’t look out of place in a free skate.

“And that required you to take your shirt off because?”

“Necessity never stopped you!”

“Shut up, idiots.”

Video-Yurio’s segment was simply, “every time I get in the car with him is like the first time all over again.”

The video fades to black and two strings of bright red letters, the first preceded by a hashtag, fill the screen.

Yurio turns to Yuuri with a smirk, “it says, ‘#dontbeavictor’ and then ‘drive safely.’ “

“See if I choreograph another program for you, Yurio,” Victor says, still furiously texting.

“You’re still making one for the pig, and he’s the one who started this!”

“Marriage is about forgiveness,” Victor sniffs, finally pressing send.

“You’re not even married,” Yurio throws his hands up, exasperated.

“Yet, Yurio. We’re not married, yet.”

“That ‘yet’ will be a ‘never’ if you kill him in a car accident on the way home from the rink.”

________________

Victor refuses to help Yuuri study for his driving test.

The hashtag #dontbeavictor goes viral and trends internationally. The bumper stickers are sold out.

________________

Worlds is just around the corner when someone (Yuuri is pretty sure it’s Georgi) leaks Victor’s dashcam footage. In the ensuing outrage at the fact that Victor is actually a licensed driver—someone manages to find the Main Directorate for Road Traffic Safety employee who agreed to issue Victor Nikiforov, verified vehicular menace, a license.”

“What do you have to say about your decision? Did he bribe you?”

The woman snorts into a handkerchief before lifting her head to the camera, teary eyed, “he blinded me with his teeth and the reflection off of his forehead.”

________________

It’s still news when Yuuri wins gold at Worlds. In the teary-eyed aftermath, one particularly salty television employee decides to caption Yuuri as “Katsuki Yuuri: Saint, Most Beautiful Man in The World, Road Safety Advocate, Gold Medal Winner,” and Victor as “Victor Nikiforov, Yuuri Katsuki Yuuri’s Fiancé, Terrible Driver, Safety Hazard, Silver Medalist.”

“At least they put “fiancé” before terrible driver,” Victor grumbles as they change for the banquet. Then his face brightens, “besides, it’ll be husband soon!”

________________

Victor and Yuuri steal a bottle of champagne and abscond to an empty ballroom.

“Yuuuuuuuuri,” Victor slurs against Yuuri’s shoulder as they stumble through a half-assed waltz, “am I really that terrible of a driver.”

Yuuri snorts. A little champagne comes out of his nose, “Vitya there’s hours of video evidence. You’re a terrible driver.”

“I’m not used to being bad at anything,” Victor mutters, half sad, half contemplative.

“No one’s good at everything, Vitya.”

Victor sighs into Yuuri’s shoulder, and Yuuri leans in to whisper in Victor’s ear, “besides, you may be a terrible driver, but you’re going to be an amazing husband.”

They don’t do much talking after that.

**Author's Note:**

>  **deleted scene** :
> 
> To Whom It May Concern, 
> 
> My fiancé and I were unaware of the effect champagne has on parquet floors. Please feel free to charge this card for the damages. 
> 
> V.N.
> 
> ________________
> 
> I'm going back to working on "we'll always have paris" now. 
> 
>  
> 
> +i'm here on [tumblr](http://katsukiyuuristrophyhusband.tumblr.com) for fic previews and updates if you're into that sort of thing ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
